An epic objective look at the 2009 Broncos

First of all, I would like to apologise for my absence in these past few weeks. I had to go into hiding after it was revealed I was involved in a ice-cream eating orgy with some friends back in 2002. As you probably have heard, one night on a trip to my local New Zealand Natural ice-creamery, a girl gave me her ice-cream and I … (fighting back fake tears) … proceeded to eat it with all my friends. I apologise to the girl and her family for my actions. All I can say is … (more fake shaking of my bottom lip) … it, it was CONSENSUAL!!!

---

So since Channel Nine can show enough corporate governance to destroy their own brand by exposing the deviant acts of their franchise guy (Mat Johns), it’s time for me as a fan to operate some sort of fan governance and objectively review my favourite team: the Broncos.
9 rounds in, sitting in 3rd place, 0 sexual assaults, rep players running on fumes, Lockyer controversy; the Broncos are having a typical Bronco season.

You figure they will finish in the 3 to 6 spot and depending on the matchups, make a short to medium run in the playoffs. It’s as predictable as an awkward pity-laugh from a Rove audience or booing of the Prime minister at a trophy presentation.

And yet, this year is different. The 2009 Broncos have a lot of quiet flaws they haven’t had in years.

For those of you who need it explained in Adam Sandler references: They are Happy Gilomore right after Chubbs dies (the loss of Illa’Wayne). They are still getting by on their unique but flaky advantage (their extremely talented offence but terrible defence). They spend all day dreading a “VOLKSWAGEN!” moment down the road (the complete breakdown and exposure of a weak left side defence, the complete exploitation of Folau’s terrible defensive decision making, and the complete exploitation of a weak bench).

They dread fate providing them with that one last giant obstacle; the fallen T.V. tower on the 18th (an extremely unfavourable matchup with the Dragons in the playoffs—This is the worst case scenario for the Broncos. The Dragons already own them psychologically and Illa’Wayne destroys every team that he has had close experience working with. There is no one better at exploiting player’s weaknesses. See, World Cup Final; the Cowboys because of Origin).

I told you. I tells ya! It ‘aint pretty. The only difference is they don’t have a “happy place”, and their hockey stick putter is broken in half (That would be Lockyer. He is done. No commentator seems to want to admit but he is dead on both ends. He couldn’t tackle Wally Lewis statue at this point. Offensively, Matt Johns has a better chance being hired as the face of David Jones then Lockyer has of reaching 4th gear. I will now jump of the William Jolly Bridge).

Lets breakdown the team:

1. Karmichael Hunt: Has really matured into a smart player ... on the field, at least. He added a innovative stutter-step to his repertoire in the offseason, he isn’t as reckless with his body, and his percentage of bad haircuts and racing stripes seems to have dropped—always a indicator of a guy maturing.
   Most importantly though, he seems to pick his spots better this year in terms of when he decides to come in and out of the line offensively. This is always a major tipping point for fullbacks; Lockyer found that balance in the 1999 to 2000 range and subsequently, he found that 6th gear which made him an elite player for the better part of the decade.
   Hunt is—or was—being groomed to follow in Lockyer’s footsteps and move from 1 to 6 but with the state of the Broncos cap, th success of players coming through the farm system, the Happy Gilmore-like rise from obscurity of Peter Wallace, and the offers Hunt is reportedly entertaining, I can’t see a commodity like him signing anything long term.
2. Antonio Winterstein: A K A. Chocolate ICE. Having Winterstein on your team is like dating a really dumb hot chick.
   She has a killer body (speed, youth, length, aerial finesse. His immeasurable locker room value: he always gives 100% when the team cuddle or high-five after a score; I imagine he laughs at all the veterans jokes, and spends hours reciting lines and scenes from Bro-Town with Folau and Hunt; he raises the teams syllable average considerably; and if nothing else, he completes the super-athletic look of the Broncs backline. He is the perfect Team Sully.)
   She puts out more than you ever expected (Choc ICE is an offensive nightmare for teams with weak fringes).
   But when it comes down to it, the sexual part of the relationship only really takes up 10% of your time together. The other 90% you actually have to spend time with the girl and engage in conversation (defense; put it this way, Jamie Lyon enjoyed having Winterstein mark him as much as Marsellus Wallace enjoyed putting that shotgun round into Zed’s groin). There is no return on anything you say—she answers every question with a question, or a ditsy-laugh, or some sort of airy agreement. Long term, you don’t marry that girl.
   The playoffs seem to maximise team’s weaknesses and I can see that left side defence killing the Broncos season.
3. Steve Michaels: The Brick Tamland of the Broncos morning news team. He doesn’t ever do or say much, he is just there. I once referred to him as Steve “White men can’t jump” Michaels because of the way the opposition NOTICEABLY were repeatedly abusing him with highballs ... and that was in a game where the Broncos won by 32. I’m going to say that’s not a good thing.
4. Justin Hodges: I feel like he has played his entire career in 3rd gear. Despite holding the records for most personal issues dealt with, most bone-headed unforced errors, and most wasted tackles by walking out of dummy-half, stopping after three steps, and attempting to palm off the entire other team, Hodges has turned into a quality veteran. He still has all the time in the world when he has the ball in his hands, he can still beat defenders off the dribble (I want to steal that term from basketball for when a guy beats his man one-on-one), and he doesn’t panic. He single handily delayed the decline of Lockyer over the last few season by providing him with a quality option in final minutes of games. Down by 4 with 30 seconds to play and attacking an oppositions try line, Hodges is best closer in the game right now ... which brings me to ...
5. Israel Folau: What happens to this guy in the last quarter of games? Maybe its a game planning thing, maybe it’s something to do with the fact that he is only 20, maybe he didn’t do all his prayers, maybe he isn’t used to the situation because he has won every athletic encounter he has had since he was 6. Whatever it is, his disappearing act is getting old. The guy literally averages a try a game in the regular season. That’s like averaging a triple double in the NBA. THE OFFENCE SHOULD RUN THROUGH HIM!!! He should be playing more at centre, it’s not like they can’t move him to the wing on 4th and 5th tackles for when they want to kick.
   And with all that said, I wouldn’t trade him or his terrible defence for anyone in the league. He is a bona-fide super-duper star. I’m like him so much I may have to convert to Judaism.
6. Darren Lockyer: Now this is sad. It’s like watching a pet get old. Since I can remember I have spent every weekend with this guy. I watched him grow, I watched him succeed, I watched him forget how to place kick, I watched him go bald, I watched him transition flawlessly from fullback to five-eight and into the captain role. But the fact is, el capa-tan is done. We saw it in the World Cup final last year, and it’s got worse as this season has dragged on. He disappears for long stretches, he’s lost a step, he doesn’t go anywhere near the line when attacking (which is why the Broncs 2nd man plays aren’t working so well this year), and he shy’s away from those signature run-the-ball plays on 5th tackle. But worst of all, the guy has lost all lateral movement, especially when he is heading to his right. I knew they were going to build a statue of him when he retired but I didn’t think they would put it on the field. I figure this is the last year we will see him hit 4th gear with any consistency, and I hope to god he saves the few 5th gear performances he has left for the right times. Like I said, this team has some HUGE flaws.
7. Peter Wallace: And just when I was starting to tear up about Lockyer, I remember Peter Wallace. I love this guy ... wait, no ... I LOVE THIS GUY!!! He is like Wolfmother’s cover of “Communication Breakdown” at the Led Zeppelin Hall of Fame induction, not as good as the original (Lockyer) but as close as you could ever hope to see. He hasn’t been as assertive as I hoped he would be this year, but he is young and he could be struggling to find his place in a side where the franchise guy is fading. He probably should have the ball in his hands more, but he doesn’t want to upstage Lockyer. I never thought having the NSW 7 and the QLD 6 playing in one side would be a bad thing but apparently it is when they are at opposite ends of the career arc.
   The other issue is, he kills any enjoyment I will have watching this QLD backline kill the NSW team for the next decade. I can see myself spending the entire 80 minutes doing my best impression of Turkish and Tommy—just hoping he makes it to the forth.
8. Nick Kenny: Besides having two first names, there isn’t much subtext to this guy. He is a quality body who understands his role, eats minutes and tackles, and still has room for improvement. He is the “Their Satanic Majesties Request” to David Staggs “Sgt. Peppers”.
9. Andrew Mccullough/PJ Marsh: I’ll admit I was excited about the signing of Marsh. It was almost too logical: a smart, proven, role playing vet you could be the difference in 2 to 3 games a year. He would push this team over the edge. How could this fail? How DID this fail? So far this season he has been so flat I’ve started confusing him with Stan Marsh.
   God forbid this league has trades!! We could of traded Taylor to Souths for Issac Luke or an aging Craig Wing. The Broncos get compensated for putting Taylor through high school and making him the player he is today, and Wing gets to finish his NRL career with a great chance of winning another championship. How is the league not better off with that scenario? Instead, I have to be content with Andrew McSomebody, who appears to have less chemistry with Lockyer and Wallace then the anchors for Fox Sports News have with each other.
10. Joel Clinton: Gets my vote for guy most likely to be starring in the next “what ever happened to that guy?” series. Is he alive? Has anyone looked meaner and produced less? Is he secretly training to be a wrestler? My theory is he has been unconscious since that left shoulder hit Sonny-Bill put on him a few years ago. The one they used to always show where his head jars backward and his hair and sweat explode everywhere. Hey, when you can let go a test front rower for a guy who is best remembered for running into someone’s shoulder, you got to do it. God forbid the league has an appropriate salary cap exemption for veteran players. R.I.P. Petero.
11. Sam Thaiday: I love everything about this guy: I love the way he runs; I love the way his head flails around during heavy contact; I love the way he eats minutes; I love that he consistently gets away with flopping; I love the way he awkwardly tries to drink when he is on the sideline stationary bike, like he is cruising in the lead of the tour de France; I love the idea of him and Palmer Wapau forming a “Bash Brothers” like enforcer duo; I love the fact that Wikipedia lists the Mighty Ducks characters in roster form, as if they were actual team; but most of all, I love the feeling of watching him play. It’s what I imagine rooting weekly for Roy Asotasi is like. He just rampages and is so solid he never gets injured. Its fun as a fan because you always feel comfortable when he is on the field.
    I have three recommendations for him though. 1) He should mix up the hair a bit. Maybe go for the throwback short cut with tape, like Arti Beetson. How would a opposition not be intimidated by that. 2) Bring back the chalk on the sidelines. Even if he washes it off before he plays, just him doing the LeBron “chuck up in the air” thing would be cool. 3) He needs to be more of a presence when teams are targeting our halves or being over-aggressive in the rucks. Someone has to adopt that Toni Carrol role, and I think he is the perfect fit.
12. Ashton Sims: See Kenny, Nick.
13. Corey Parker: Wow, has this guy salvaged his career. It seems like only yesterday he was on his way out. But as things go, they couldn’t let him go because he was the only consistent kicker they had and subsequently since, he has evolved into a solid striker. Now he is a veteran presence and a real commodity. Its like having a defensive 7 footer in basketball who happens to be a knockdown 3-point shooter. He should be the most sought after player in the league, but no one seems to notice. This guy should be leveraging his talents for millions. Furthermore, has anyone looked less like an atypical person called Corey and still been this successful in any field? Can you think of anyone?
14. Aaron Gorrell: His name sounds like one of those NFL draft prospects who plays safety and you never see but are on every guys mock draft going late in the 2nd round. For more see Sims, Ashton.
15. Palmer Wapau: Although I would rather have David Taylor, and nobody has explained why he is debuting at 27 or what he has been doing for the past 8 years—I love the potential of this guy. First of all he has two last names. Second, he is loved by everybody who has ever met him, and apparently, a great locker room guy. Third, he is so mysterious towards the media; I imagine he is like Chief Bromden in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”, if the media were the mental institution. Finally, I love his facial hair—especially in HD, it has so much potential. Right now he has Samuel L. Jackson’s Fu Manchu from ”SHAFT”. I think he should imitate all of Sam Jackson’s movie characters: the weird hippy goatee from “Jackie Brown” , the bald look from “Star Wars”, the bearded professor look from “Deep Blue Sea”, the crew cut from “Rules of Engagement”, the “It’s business time” cop moustache from “SWAT”, the crazy grey-old-man-blues mutton chops from “Black Snake Moan”, and the greatest of all time—the perm, sideburns, and Fu Manchu from “Pulp Fiction”. How is any of those worse than the Ronaldo patch (circa 2002) that Nathan Merritt has on his head right now?
16. Josh McGuire: Ditto.
17. Alex Glenn: Despite having the name most likely to be confused with one of the cheerleaders, Glenn is a great bench guy who devours minutes and tackles and has the ability to create on the offensive side of the ball. I think he has sizeable upside and I expect him to be a big part of the future of the club. At this point in his career he is best suited coming off the bench. I really like him going forward. (Me: most likely to start fan club for Alex Glenn).
    

Well I can’t believe I got through that alive. I told you the Broncos are full of holes. Everyone is either too old or too young, and they’re all worn out. They are like a GP’s office on a Monday morning.

Their offense will take them into the playoffs, maybe even to a preliminary final, but I have to think their defense will let them down at some point. I just don’t see them winning when they have to go through at least two of the following: Bulldogs, Dragons, Storm, Manly (they are going to get stronger as the year goes on).

I can hope, but all the signs … (fighting back fake tears) … they don’t look good.

Brisbane Sports Fan